insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
