Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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