Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
