He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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