dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
