In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
