Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
