dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
