You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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