I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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