I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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