I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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