My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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