either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
