Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Someone shit on the floor
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
