im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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