I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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