Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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