I am spending my child support on dildos
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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