I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
