I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
