I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
