Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
