I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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