Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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