I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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