We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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