Me too!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
