Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
i think i just lost a toe
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
