Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
40s are totally the cure
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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