connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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