first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
