Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
