Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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