Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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