So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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