And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
