I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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