ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
