bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
