Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
