worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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