my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
