I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize