Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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