You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
