I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
