I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
