i just sent this text using only my big toe
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
