I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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