just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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