my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
