She is in my trunk
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
