i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
