Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I want her autograph on my taint
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
