I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
