Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
