Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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