I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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