I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
