Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
