my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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