Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
