Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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