Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
