Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
